In the decade prior to your ascension to the Education portfolio, there was much talk but little action with reform blocked by vested interests. Roads produce a much greater electoral payback. Mind you, when you consider what happened to them, it’s a bit rich that the former PM recently boasted how quickly roads were built in his time. It’s also faintly amusing that your predecessor has protested that, although he didn’t actually do anything about it, you’ve pinched his idea for nine-year schooling. I can’t think of a higher compliment; it makes a pleasant change from the tendency to ditch policies initiated under former regimes.

As you’ll know by now, prudence is one of the qualities I’m designed to personify but I’ve been holding off, perhaps a tad too long, from floating a few ideas on your reforms as I wanted to see how things might develop. You certainly deserve respect for daring to bring in change. Despite our reputation for regarding them as best assigned to the home, Ancient Greeks – men and gods – had a soft spot for iron ladies. Indeed, there were some powerful characters amongst our goddesses, not least Artemis who was particularly strong-willed. Incidentally, she was the twin sister of Apollo, god of the Sun. Need I say more.

It’s also been good to see you holding your ground in making the parents of absentee students stump up the exam fees, but you’ll need to make sure in the future that all the teachers are present too – and doing something useful rather than restricting their wisdom to afterhours in their garages or around their dining tables. Meanwhile, you could give a little private tuition to poor old Mahen, inject a little spunk into him. He seemed destined to a bright future until his wrong-headed decision to give in to an equally wrong-headed religious lobby and allow the sale of contaminated meat. His washing his hands of any responsibility conjures up memories of Pontius Pilate.

However, in partly eliminating the CPE rat race, you do seem to have ducked the key problem of the distortions caused by the Midas disease and the stress of private tuition, with teaching too often seen as a business rather than a vocation. In ancient times there was nothing nobler than in instilling concepts of civic duty and discipline into youngsters. Even fifty years ago, teaching was considered a vocation and teachers were deserving of respect. Did it never occur to you it might have been simpler to just abolish private tuition or at least make it less attractive? You could’ve made teachers register themselves and their premises with the HRDC for out-of-hours classes, with banishment to St Brandon, if space allows, for parents who pay unlicensed ones. The MRA could open a branch there too. However, there may soon be room for any overflow in the Chagos, if negotiations miraculously succeed, particularly as not that many people will want to return there except on holiday.

For the moment, your plan appears merely to have shoved the main rat race back three years. Perhaps you’re hoping that, by the time the first new exam is held, you’ll have been reshuffled away from the hot seat. That would be a pity as the more I look at the sector, I realise there’s so much we ought to talk about. Still, I’ve checked with the Oracle, who’s checked with Apollo. Apparently you’re going nowhere.

Yours sincerely

Epi PHRON