Attending birthday parties for centenarians clearly takes up more time than generally realised as, apart from vague promises about improving recycling, the environment seems to have been dumped in Mare Chicose. Maybe you’re just biding time, waiting to see if Friend Raj can chalk up some kind of victory, which might at least lead to the planting of five million trees. For the moment, there are just a few palms struggling to survive on the odd beach.

In my early days, there were a host of nature gods, reminding Admirables at every twist and turn not to offend them. Now there’s only the Police of the Environment, about as useful as eunuchs in a brothel. Perhaps it’s time to arm them with the H1N1 virus, with the added attraction of distracting debate from around the budget.

As the deadly Donald virus seems to have twittered out of control – and Zeus alone knows how it may mutate – it really is time to spring into action rather than posing as a severe moderator in weekly press conferences. It might be a good moment to take a look at a few Greek deities in search of inspiration. I’ve always fancied the Meliae, the goddesses of honey, a reminder that more needs to be done about encouraging beekeeping. What a pity that Virgil’s Georgics is no longer a set-book in schools but unfortunately Latin is all Greek to most teachers nowadays.

It’s also a pity there’s no Greek god of mangroves. Although Greeks came across them in more tropical climes, it wasn’t a local plant, but it is here and acres of mangrove could do wonders for coastal protection – and avoid the need to rehouse people. Just think how many mangrove seedlings Rs 5 billion could buy and how sad that officials weren’t able to prove that the obvious collusion in the award of the Betamax contract was criminal. It really is time rustic native spirits were allowed to clear out those inappropriately appointed to the public sector, although the sight of ithyphallic satyrs advancing might glue functionaries to their chairs more firmly than ever. It’s time for fewer but better civil servants rather than adding to the Mare of Government House.

Sewage systems existed as far back as the Minoans and even the Romans had goddess Cloacina to keep an eye on things. But just look at what a mess local officials have made – a recent drainage system is channelling rain and waste water directly into the sea rather than into treatment plants. Mind you, as Poseidon’s observed in his latest blog, you need a god in ultimate charge of each aspect of existence, including ministries, instead of the over-inflated human egos now running things. Meanwhile, fertiliser run-off is leaking into water supplies. It may be a global problem but there’s an opportunity here. Think how much credit little Mauritius would receive internationally by finding the solution. It might not lead to a Nobel Prize but the next honours list could include top recognition for Carl Jones and Lee Durrell to encourage environmentalists. It would be far better than rewarding obscure political supporters.

By the way, next time you have a glass of wine, think of Ampelos, a satyr boy, loved by Dionysos but gorged to death by a bull. Dionysos’ solution was to transform the lad into the first grapevine. You can learn a lot about problem solving from the gods.

Yours sincerely,

Epi PHRON