As the current Alliance has now passed its half-way mark in office, in view of the various casseroles in the political marmite, Mount Olympos kindly set up a Committee of Enquiry to recommend what might be done to enhance the government’s efficacy. Not without opposition I may say from Cronus, who muttered he had better things to do. Zeus quickly dealt with him – and ordered him out. With the help of the Olympos Chronicle, I’ve managed to get my hands on a few extracts – and I’ve been promised more may follow.

In view of the Emir of Pointe-aux-Canonniers’ enthusiasm for foreign affairs, they recommend sending him to replace the current ambassador in Riyadh as a graceful way of avoiding future embarrassment, while at the same time showing our Saudi friends how much they’re appreciated. As a blessing in disguise, he could take his loyal supporters with him. He could even invite the Donald to pop in for dinner occasionally as he may soon be feeling rather lonely. The MBC could provide coverage, in association with CNN, so everyone will be happy.

In view of the rather cavalier attitude to old buildings, Panakeia suggests that La School should somehow be resuscitated as a centre for a new learned society, devoted to preserving the country’s architectural and cultural past, before your own house is the next historical building to bite the dust. While there’s a President who would make an entirely appropriate patron, less happily its Findings will have to be printed in a soulless building in an industrial suburb… It’s just as well ancient politicians are treated with more respect or the Assembly would be almost empty.

In a minority report, Thanatos recommends the immediate re-introduction of hanging for corruption and drug-related crimes, with retroactive effect to 1968 to avoid limiting the measure to the red old guard, and, as part of the democratisation of the economy, leave the field open to a new generation of bribe-worthy compatriots. However, the Committee does suggest that no attempt should be made to emulate our Chinese friends – or there’ll be no-one left. China does have the advantage of a much larger population.

As communalists are going to object to the presence of Indian aircraft and ships in Agalega, it is strongly recommended that our best friends stop referring to us as Little India – and that no-one declares “our ancestors come from India”. Your or my ancestors may have but not everyone came in the same boat – unless you also plan to say to M Macron that “our ancestors are French”. It’s advisable to show a modicum of respect for everyone.

Poseidon has heard rumours of fishy goingson in his ministry, with young favour-seeking penpushers being employed rather than the marine experts needed, but he’s asked for further clarification before saying more. He doesn’t mind, however, that nothing seems to be happening to “exploit” our maritime zone as he’d prefer to see your Boatman start by cleaning it up.

Indeed, as a solution to the debate over a petroleum hub, the Committee suggests you look into building large rowing boats, as in Ancient Greece, to replace fuel-guzzling cargo ships and oil tankers. Those declaring themselves unemployed could be volunteered to man the oars, which would rapidly reduce the unemployment rate to zero and ease the balance of payments deficit, thereby killing two birds with one stone. The Emir will give his full support to that.

Yours sincerely,
Epi PHRON