How much thinking’s been put into how to tackle poverty? Unfortunately, marshalling a few handouts is no substitute for a coherent programme, while the National CSR Foundation seems as useful as beehives without nectar. At least the hundreds of NGOs swarming around realise that poverty isn’t just a lack of finance, but trying to build bridges, with or without love, only tackles a handful of cases. What about the tens of thousands drowning in substance abuse? Dionysos has offered to become honorary president of Alcoholics Anonymous or the Goomany Centre but hopefully your aides might come up with a better solution.

What helps people is enablement instead of reliance but how do you achieve that in a land where it’s every woman for herself? If politicos break electoral promises, why should the poor pay their rent, let alone syndic charges, whatever their contract says? Even blocks of flats for the better-off look half-abandoned because some owners refuse to cough up their dues. Not that flats are a solution to anything; perhaps after the recent London disaster, there’ll be a more down-to-earth approach.

Some enforcement might help. If people faced eviction for failing to meet their obligations, they’d soon get off their backsides. At all levels of society, a revolution’s needed in the use of the gluteus maximus, starting with unemployed graduates. Why does anyone think they need help? If they haven’t learnt any life skills after all their studies, it doesn’t exactly inspire those whom the education system’s failed.

There was a problem in ancient Greece but, by the Golden Age, poverty had declined considerably. That happened mainly through a change of attitudes and the advent of democracy. The rich paid their taxes and others chipped in with their labour. But when a Council leader believes he deserves a chariot because he’s as important as a minister, what hope is there? How can a lawyer argue that a former PM merits godlike treatment? As mere demi-gods, we daemones are greatly puzzled by mortals who think they rank alongside Zeus.

In a society where eminent lawyers and other public figures rake in money from the drug trade and other fishy business, no wonder the disadvantaged try to hold to ransom that generous emir, gun-toting though he may be. As change is needed at the top, how about a course, if the Wong Academy’s still running, on how to distance yourself from rotten eggs – which eventually explode and smear all those around with muck.

Society only works when everyone accepts they have responsibilities. The opposition may revel in rattling saucepans but they’re no keener than your own confreres to see their perks reduced, snouts wallowing together in Mme Jacqueline’s exquisite cuisine. We’d have abducted her to Mount Olympos but, with the demise of the drachma and the decline in votive offerings, we can’t afford the subsidies.

It’s time to get your minions devising more ambitious projects, like Guedelon, which involves building a medieval castle using long-lost artisanal skills. Especially as there’s nothing medieval in these fair isles – apart from attitudes. Or you might encourage Dr Anil to build a Greek village, complete with an Oracle and a temple to Apollo. The Sun God would be delighted with such a fitting heritage and it would save on travel costs. It’s time for some radical ideas – and less TV coverage every time there’s a generous handout, of eggs or anything else…

Yours sincerely,

Epi PHRON