You’ll be dying to know how else the fine people here might help you. Well, there’s no better way than offering local expertise to help develop your concepts of fake news and alternative facts. The PM has awarded the media and the opposition Certificate of Excellence status and will willingly give them to you so you can blast them into North Korea. It would be cheaper than despatching nukes and everyone would be happier. As for our government, it’s quite good at being economical with the facts but lacks decent spin-doctors so you could send one of your cast-offs in return, a win-win situation.

Mauritius could certainly help the White House when it comes to making public appointments – and, boy, do you need help – as governments here have refined the art of extolling meritocracy whilst confusing it with mediocrity. In return, there are a couple of matters where you could lend us a hand. In scrapping trade deals, businesses would be much obliged if you could limit yourself to the world’s big players only. After all, this country is very insignificant but the textile industry here is rather dependent on something called AGOA. It’s worth bearing in mind that the Indians and Chinese are all over the place and might try to establish bases in some of the outer islands. Your generals would find that a tad alarming as you have interests in one of the archipelagos, called the Chagos Islands – although your maps might show them as BIOT, the name one of our perfidious friends has bestowed on them.

They were part of Mauritius until just before Independence and, although they were sold off at the time, there’ll be local agitation until they’re given back. There’s an easy solution: you could indeed return them and receive a 2,500-year lease in exchange, subject of course to the usual considerations. They’re officially owned by the Brits but, as they desperately need a trade deal with you, they can’t afford to make a fuss. Anyway, I’m sure you won’t let legal niceties get in your way. You could even establish a holiday resort on one of the islands not used by the military, especially as it would be an even more exotic destination than your pad in Florida.

However, if you want to build another golf course, it would be better to take a look at the island of Mauritius itself. Investment by rich foreigners is welcome and no-one’s too bothered about whether they’re famous or infamous, as long as the paperwork’s done properly. A bit like some of your American states. If you think your courses in Scotland are beautiful, a course here would be even more glamorous. You’ll be bowled over by the island’s beauty, and any superb development plans you dream up will be unopposed as Charlottesville placard-holders don’t holiday here. Moreover, a rum deal or two might be a better bet than Scotch investments.

Anyway, do think about all this and let me have your views. I don’t have a Twitter account but Hermes will always be glad to convey a message. I’m seeing him shortly as Zeus has summoned me back to the mountain tops for a month’s R&R. He’s a bit worried I’ve been deviating from the official line too often of late. You may well sympathise with me on that but, as his speciality is thunderbolts, you’ll be sure to hit it off with him.

Yours sincerely
Epi PHRON