Shooting oneself in the foot – or the mouth – seems to be a highly developed local pastime, perhaps inspired by the Donald. However, recent events make one wonder if you or any other leaders understand the advantages of wisdom, thoughtfulness and prudence. Certainly little has changed in the police force since we last had a little chat.

It’s depressing when a raid is launched in a journalist’s house at the crack of dawn. I wondered for a moment if I’d wandered into Turkey or Russia by mistake. Everything’s topsy-turvy when the police believe interrogating whistleblowers is more important than thanking them for their preliminary investigation – and following up the allegations with the former Attorney General, whilst treating him of course with the respect he deserves.

The PM must be wondering if he can get his hands on one of his bodyguard’s guns, as few things reflect so badly on the government, as the Force displaying overzealousness in the wrong direction. Of course, given the amount of political interference over the years, it’s assumed that this is just another example – when it may have been sheer incompetence or a senior officer’s overzealousness to enter into his overlords’ good books.

The result is yet another diversion from some of the positive things that are happening. The raid’s instigators, wherever they lurk, need dispatching immediately to an outer island. But then problems exist in many police forces, even in Britain, where a senior officer involved in a promotion scandal said this week: “I now intend to recommit myself to the service of the public with humility, having learned a great deal from the past few months.” Anyone listening?

At least the officers questioning the Chief Mortal and his colleagues have been polite. They clearly knew the whole scenario was ridiculous and were deeply embarrassed. Mind you, in these days of conspiracy theories, you might speculate whether the whole episode is the work of red sympathisers labouring to blot the government’s copybook. After all, the failure to put together watertight dossiers, when dealing with the aftermath of the ancient regime, suggests they were sabotaged. Surely police leaders couldn’t be so incompetent as to have handled all those affairs in such a cack-handed manner…

Let’s hope this latest farce wasn’t due to some high-ranking officer wanting to ingratiate himself in preparation for whenever you retire. Mind you, there’s been a lot of traffic up shit creek recently so it was clever of you to take the Silk Road instead at just the right moment. By the way, whilst you were in China, did you manage to pop into North Korea? They operate a nice line in intimidation – elimination by firing squad. The Emir might be able to broaden his ambitions by a visit there, especially as future visits to Saudi will be blighted by the sight of women drivers.

Despite decent officers here and there, the Force is no longer fit for purpose. While there’d be a lot of jingoist and jealous opposition to bringing in outsiders from abroad, as an ex-PM discovered, it’s doubtful if the police can be brought up to scratch without them. A halt is needed to corruption and political interference. Specialists are needed in fields like IT and financial crime and the whole recruitment process needs reviewing. Incompetents and slackers need weeding out – and all that’s just the start. A few Mr Plods were fine and loveable, at least in Enid Blyton’s Toytown, but nowadays…

Yours sincerely,
Epi PHRON