Unlike most hotels, The Kitchen seems to have little problem in retaining restaurant staff, unsurprisingly considering the benefits. But what gets served is hardly five-star and it may be time for a cleanout, as well as considering whether current suppliers and culinary advisers can deliver the goods. It’s amazing how many rotten eggs have been found recently, especially when that was why the former chef was summarily dismissed. Good chefs are hard to come by, of course, and most of those in rival establishments are well past their sell-by dates.

Hotel guests aren’t keen on seeing a change of chef, who has at least some good recipes, for him to be replaced by one who stripped the kitchen cabinets bare – nor one who ignored outbreaks of food-poisoning, another who left for a rival establishment, let alone one who never made it past sous-chef and then set himself up as chef in his own restaurant. And there’s plenty of resistance to the alternatives, whose recipes would bankrupt the establishment.

There was a massive recruitment of waiters and other support staff in 2014 although not enough cleaners were taken on. Hygiene is very important so it’s not surprising there’s been an invasion of rats and carapates. Unfortunately, the rat-catchers brought in from time to time seem to pounce on those who’ve complained about the presence of rodents rather than the actual vermin, as they can’t distinguish between real pests and beneficial insects, such as paper wasps, especially early in the morning. They certainly won’t obtain the Nobin Peace Prize.

Except in restaurants, cooking arrangements are much as in Ancient Greece, when women and slaves did much of the cooking, and men only used to do the spit-roasting. In a sense, they still do. Mind you, you have to be careful with Ladies Fingers. They may be good in a trifle but not necessarily at concocting in-flight dishes, especially as The Kitchen’s airline catering contract has led to startling losses. Hotels can’t afford distractions, so it’s advisable to concentrate on the main business. Indeed, The Kitchen might do well to stop catering for all public bodies as it invariably produces indigestion and it might well benefit the company to sell-off all non-core assets.

Ingredients too need to be chosen carefully. It’s time to dispense with classic dishes like Toadin- the-hole, Paté campagne and Jerk pork. Instead, the nectar of the gods is very appetizing and ought to appeal to you. Local sourcing is all very well but some items need bringing in from abroad. The latest attempt to sack a resident overseas supplier – and then have him immediately thrown out of the country – reflected badly on the Hotel Management team. There have been dictatorial tendencies even before Elizabeth lost her queendom but, when the kettle’s boiling, it’s better to keep a safe distance to avoid being scalded.

It’s also a good idea to shop around from time to time, whilst avoiding cabbages, mandarins and overripe bananas. Moreover, when guests come from a variety of countries, the kitchen needs to be able to respond to all their needs. You can’t run a modern kitchen without a Chinese chef or someone able to make a decent white sauce – or a biryani. A chef has to have a good team around him – or her. Instead there’s a motley crew of sous-chefs, aides-cuisines and plongeurs, determined to stick a finger in every pie. No wonder things are in such a stew.

Yours sincerely,

Epi PHRON