As you’ll have gathered, the Donald takes a great deal of interest in foreign affairs, like what burning news there is from California or even from these distant isles. However, it’s hard enough even for the gods to keep up with all his ramblings so, for their and your festive delectation, here are some of his retweets of genuine false news, originally spun on the dark Mauritian web. Plus, of course, his comments.

After being arrested on a provisional charge, the CP has admitted to the latest Judge Dread enquiry that the lost 16 kilos of heroine were in fact sold on the open market in order to pay the bills submitted by the members of the Drugs Commission. They should have built a wall. Bet the drugs came in across the Mexican border.

On the recommendation of the Parti Malin, Dr Arvin Boolell has been appointed as the new leader of the LP. If he can obtain a favourable environmental impact assessment, he says he’ll be investigating the party’s deadwood as it’s “a feeding ground for termites who divide their labour among castes of sterile workers.” What’s the environment got to do with anything? I’ll send Mueller to give him a helping hand. What’s more, he can keep him.

In a statement to the MBC, a former minister has solemnly sworn that he has never taken a cent from any public sector contracts. Good man that. Might make him my lawyer.

In his latest exciting press conference, in order to keep all his options open and attract younger members, the Leader of the MP has announced that he no longer opposes queer relationships – of any kind – although, to be on the safe side, he personally remains cautious. Slippery slope. He’ll be transgendering next.

The Leader of the Opposition has admitted to the Pope that he enjoys sects now and then. Lucky man. I can’t even talk about sects with Melania these days. The PM has issued a writ against l’express for alleging that, as far as he knows, he doesn’t know, claiming confusion with someone else. That’s my kind of thinking.

The Minister of Islamic Affairs left the country this week by dhow, in order to celebrate the New Year in Riyadh as a guest of MbS. He hopes to return. However, Turkish Airlines has only confirmed that he’s booked a one-way ticket from Riyadh to Istanbul where, at the request of the Mauritian government, accommodation has been arranged for him in the Saudi Consulate. That’s an essay not a tweet. Sounds like an FBI briefing. Boring!

The New MMM has announced that it is stronger than ever and that it bears no resemblance to the Old MMM. Membership is now in double figures. They must be wishing they had a leader like me…

The Police have issued a request for help in tracing several MPs who’ve not been heard from in the National Assembly for several months. They were last seen collecting their payslips but whether they’re sain d’esprit has not been specified. Sounds like Paradise. Happy to trade some of my Democrats for their obscure forces. The Head of the Civil Service has announced that he’s resigning from all his board positions in order to devote more time to his family, which has been supporting him through thick and thin. Great stuff. Our Thing and all that.

Hamas and Hezbollah have issued a joint statement recognising Israel’s right to exist – providing it’s somewhere other than in Palestine. In his response, the Israeli Prime Minister has suggested they go forth and multiply elsewhere. A real step forward at last. Moving our embassy to Jerusalem – smart move that.

In a statement to the Olympos Chronicle, Zeus has promised not to launch any new thunderbolts before 30 December. Who’s this Zeus dude? Another terrorist immigrant?

Happy Bacchanalia!

Epi PHRON