You may wonder why an ancient Greek spirit should be wafting you a few thoughts – let   alone from a remote corner of the Indian Ocean – but, in the midst of all the Brexit turmoil, nothing should really surprise you. Few of Britain’s friends abroad understand how a once great nation has failed to notice that the pantomime season is over and, as it could lead to a fall in Brits holidaying in Mauritius, Zeus kindly set up a committee to write a speech for Mother Theresa that could at last bring honesty to the proceedings. The idea of a committee was of course inspired by the quaint customs bequeathed by our late colonial masters. This is what the committee suggested.

“During one of my recent trips, I somehow ended up on the wrong flight and found myself en route for Syria. Fortunately, a kind flight attendant took pity on me and gave me an exit seat so I could stretch my legs. I always try to make the best of a bad job so I decided to engage in some international diplomacy, a sector we’ve had to neglect of late. Mind you, that may be a foretaste of our Little Britain future. On the road to Damascus, I had the kind of vision that Paul of Tarsus must have had. There was a blinding light and then I heard a voice, far more illuminating than most I’ve had to listen to recently. It didn’t entirely surprise me as I have been trying to open a dialogue with the heavenly powers.

I was pointed in the direction of Pertinacia, the Greek goddess of perseverance, although I found some of her details in Who’s Who irrelevant. I am determined, not stubborn. I was also firmly reminded that it is my Christian duty to tell the truth at all times, and to work in the interests of the country rather than trying to keep my hopelessly divided party united. It was when the voice told me to rise to the occasion, rather as He told Lazarus to take up his bed and walk, that I decided to scuttle back to Britain and get the country to face the facts.  

I have to admit that I may have used language that would have infuriated my English teacher. She was the kind of inspirational person we had in the days of grammar schools, before they became comprehensives. She would have found the phrase, Brexit means Brexit, lacking in profundity. Opinions are divided on what Brexit actually means and what it may lead to. Many prophets of doom – or economists as they like to be called – suggest it may be catastrophic. In any event, holidays in Austria may become a thing of the past and honeymooners may have to make do with Margate rather than Mauritius. Not that there’s anything wrong with Margate, apart from its lack of a tropical climate.

In my vision, it was also impressed on me that I have consistently ignored the nearly 50% of the British people who voted to remain in the EU and that I ought to have made clear that the referendum produced only a narrow majority in favour of Brexit. Perhaps I should have studied Mathematics rather than Geography. Opinion polls aren’t infallible but do imply that a new referendum might overturn the earlier vote, as has happened elsewhere without nearly so much fuss.  There is certainly strong evidence that younger people are against Brexit. A wag has even suggested to me that, if we postpone our departure date by several months, many Brexiteers will have been carted away by the Grim Reaper. A rather distasteful remark but it has left me feeling somewhat overcome, so please excuse me if I withdraw for a few days to recover.”