The government does seem to have been having a bit of a bumpy ride of late, perhaps due to the presence of black rocks in the region of Rivière-du- Rempart. So, even when he’s not on-seat, the Sage will be relying on you to keep MPs in order – and set an example to other leading figures. Mind you, he needs to stay around for some time yet. It would be imprudent to step down while certain cases are hospitalised in the courts.

You could help the CP, who has some work to do on rebuilding his reputation, by ordering MPs – and others with sticky fingers – to stop giving orders to police officers, and policemen from accepting them. There’s always been a tendency, amongst various crops of ministers and chairmen of public bodies, to interfere in other people’s dossiers. Your whip will come in handy – there must be many a madame who envies you – although it’s best used behind very closed doors. However, as with all crops, you could simply use weed-killer, but that might provoke a backlash from environmentalists. Alternatively, as capital punishment is appreciated in some quarters, you could introduce it for those sticking fingers in places where they have no right to be. At the same time, that might get rid of the Baby Doc problem for good, along with the black rocks.

If fingers weren’t bad enough, MPs and appointees in public bodies seem to have an exaggerated impression of their own self-importance. We Ancients regarded wealth and position as something to be properly used rather than for showing off or throwing one’s weight around. Incidentally, my daemon colleague, Hybris, is increasingly irritated at finding her role being utterly usurped by a Shawk. If the local emir is unhappy, he should proceed to his nearest police station and make a complaint in good and due form, in sextuplicate at least. That way he’ll have copies to hand out to his press friends.

You might also encourage everyone to develop a sense of humour. Perhaps get the Wong Academy to run a course. If anyone sees red because of a flag, the best thing to do is to make a joke about it. That way you avoid becoming a laughing stock yourself. You could also urge everyone to think before they open their big mouths.

Meanwhile, the drug issue is hotting up. At least no-one’s smoked a joint in the Assembly – yet – but hopefully you’re routinely checking that no current or former MPS or their associates have their fingers in the drug pile. Mind you, if all drug barons and their associates are also fingered for execution, people might wonder how many policemen, customs officers and politicos will be left, particularly if big mouths and bullies are added to the cull. Otherwise, to treat offenders, you could start dishing out drugs yourself but please prescribe panadol or placebos rather than antibiotics or Dr Anil will throw a wobbly.

You’ll be glad to see yourself in this column but, as the Delphic Oracle’s closed for the winter, this is not a forecast. Incidentally, don’t start whinging that this is all outside your schedule of duties. That’s never stopped a minister so far from interfering in other people’s business. Despite all I’ve said, it’ll be good practice for you in case you’re elevated someday, to the rank of minister that is. Cardinal status is reserved for priests – and birds.

Yours sincerely,

Epi Phron