Like a secret agent deep inside an embassy’s bowels, you’re lurking discretely in 19th place in the Cabinet. But perhaps deep in the relegation zone is appropriate for the ultimate eminence grise – a phrase first used to describe François Leclerc du Tremblay, Cardinal Richelieu’s right-hand man, renowned for his grey robe – which was in fact beige. That’s probably when the colour problem began. At least, as if anticipating events, your ministry talks about the Ocean Economy. Blue would have been so inappropriate since Machiavelli’s successor blew a fuse. Mind you, too much emphasis is placed on colour, partly explaining Dear Paul’s purple rages. I used to have a green chariot – until Ares placed me on a jihadist watchlist. A tad ironic, like a recent observation that the White House will soon have a suitable occupant – a reflection not of Mount Olympos’ views but on those of the Donald. Ah well, win some, lose some.

Losing some to the cane fields seems a local hazard, presumably why party leaders are bent on working the land in 2017 – unless they’re trying to clear up some terrains en friche for Mr Extra-Terrestrial. Given the shortage of farmhands, that’d be more useful than trying to salvage what’s left amongst the burnt-out stubble. With such a bunch of political clodhoppers on the loose, Mahen should be worrying about food security. Like you.

Your main contribution so far has been handing out fish farms but that’s not without its dangers. Apparently, the breeding programme at the Albion Fisheries Research Centre aims to provide farmers with juveniles upon request. You’d better keep the Ombudsperson for Children well away. Instead, it might be better to do something about overfishing – and not just of octopus. You could start within the lagoons if you’re overwhelmed by the extent of your new empire, and encourage the Coastguard to patrol the beaches for fishing rods after office hours. Mind you, if they can’t spot boats in daytime…

You could go for a swim yourself to check whether there’re any fish left, let alone any live coral, as what your ministry’s doing for conservation at present is a mere drop in the ocean. Perhaps you all feel out of your depth and need more lessons, so it’s a pity the Wong Academy’s been closed down, especially as it had its own in-house diving instructor.

Meanwhile, before disturbing Poseidon’s larder looking for oil, it might be an idea to sort out all those foreign fishing vessels. From our mountain tops, there’s a good view of nets miles long robbing the oceans of thousands of fish in a matter of minutes. It does all seem rather short-sighted. Where are the plans to conserve marine wildlife? Mind you, presumably by the time there are no fish left, you’ll be otherwise engaged. It’s not that you’re inactive now but, like those before you, there seems to be a lot of fiddling around – but not much vision beyond 2019. Did someone mention 2030?

While new boats for local anglers could extend fishing expeditions well beyond the reefs, perhaps as far as La Reunion and Madagascar, fishermen themselves are a rum lot. Incidentally, did they forward their claim to you for an end-of-year bonus on their unable-to-work payments, presumably to pay for essentials like fireworks, before they complain to the Minister of Labour? No wonder Poseidon reckons there are more anguilles sous roche on land than in the sea.

Yours sincerely, Epi PHRON