“Forgive my absence but I can now continue, momentarily boosted by my probably Pyrrhic victory. If keeping my own party united isn’t difficult enough, during my recent vision I saw Scotland float past and affix itself to the Belgian coastline. It’s made me at last realise that leaving the EU might lead to Scotland exiting the UK. As for our dear friends in Northern Ireland, there’s no long-term solution except remaining in the customs union, leaving little point to Brexiting.

We have to be honest with people. I’ve tried too hard to appease those in my own party whom a predecessor called misconceivers – or something to that effect – and we shouldn’t ignore the fact that all former prime ministers consider Brexit a trifle unwise. Moreover, I’m unconvinced about the idea of alternative trade deals. Our most important partner is clearly the United States, but dear Donald is more likely to offer us a wall to stop immigration than a favourable trade deal. Any deal with Russia might turn out to be a poisoned chalice and we have to be wary of a politically incorrect China that seems bent on economic imperialism. As for Japan, it’s already signed up with the EU – after years of negotiations.

India would be a great ally but might demand free movement as part of any deal. Given how Brexiteers feel about East Europeans, I doubt a further Indian influx would be well received. That leaves runners-up, like Turkey and Brazil, but there’ll be no win-win situation with them in current circumstances. Geopolitics may mean we turn a blind eye to many wrongs, but there are limits. It’s with our European allies that we share common values – and, of course, the Old Commonwealth countries, but by now they’re happier dealing with the EU. Instead, we’ll have to make deals with minnows like Mauritius, but even they will make unrealistic demands on us, like giving them the British Indian Ocean Territories.

I’m equally unconvinced how much we’ll gain from misconceivers feeling forced to back my deal as a backstop arrangement. After forty years in the wilderness, their discontent will just rumble on. Moreover, they’ve unleashed some terrible sentiments amongst the hoi polloi and made even Jean-Claude Juncker seem likeable in comparison. In my prayers this morning, I asked for further guidance. Zeus shot back an immediate response.  “Open thou thine eyes. It’s time to stop all this suicidal nonsense.”  I have therefore decided to take Boris by the horns and provide firm leadership. To start with, too little mention’s been made about why the EU was originally created and the many benefits it has brought, whether in terms of European peace, the chance to import wine freely or eat frog legs in Parisian restaurants.

The longer we negotiate, the more I’ve had to realise that we’ve become an international laughing stock.  Britain won’t be that Great outside the EU and it makes more sense to fight from within for the changes we desire. We could start by insisting that everyone in Europe should drive on the left, even if it’s only a negotiating ploy as a prelude to serious reforms. I therefore intend to ask the House to support me in withdrawing our withdrawal. If all hell breaks loose, at least we’ll have done the commonsense thing and future generations will thank us for it.  Meanwhile, I have a cunning plan or two. Plan B is to move Boris to the Lords as Baron de Pfeffel, Plan C to suggest moving the EU’s HQ to Compton Dando and Plan D is to put the clocks back to 22 June 2016 and vote all over again. Failing all else, my personal Plan E is to exit the UK and head for the Greek mountainsides – or even Mauritius.”