Mauritian leader: Namashkar Netajee¹.

Indian leader: Welcome, Mr. lompost or lampost?

ML: It’s actually L’imposte. But I’d rather you didn’t use it Netajee. It’s demeaning.

IL: Why? What does it mean?

ML: It means ‘a small opening’ in Creole. It is not part of my name. It’s just those ungrateful idiots back home who are jealous of my position who use it. They say I was not elected as prime minister and got into power through a small opening. They obviously have never met Theresa May!

IL: Oh, was Theresa May David Cameron’s daughter? Never mind. She had the dignity to call for a snap election anyway. Don’t worry about them. How is your father’s health?

ML: His health is fine, thanks. He sends his regards.

IL: Enjoying his well-deserved retirement?

ML: Well, he hasn’t retired actually. He’s still in cabinet.

IL: Oh! Really?

ML: He’s actually the acting prime minister just now… In my absence.

IL: Atcha²!!! So he was prime minister, then he made you prime minister and now you made him prime minister again! Bauhut achhe³! What can I do for you beta⁴?

ML: I will be frank with you, Netajee. I am in brown stuff up to the neck. You are the only one who can help me out. I need you, big brother.

IL: Bolo⁵, bolo, beta!

ML: You remember when we came to power, on the advice of some crazy and vengeful ministers, we destroyed a conglomerate which belonged to Dawood Rawat. The guy was nice and gave us Rs25 m, Rs19 m for a single campaign, free cars and free medical care. But he was very close to the former prime minister. I mean he was running a Ponzi, Ponzi-like, scheme so we first took our money out of his bank (large grin), withdrew all the money our parastatal companies had there and closed down the bank and took over all his companies. Now we have to pay back the policyholders!

IL: And you’ve presumably returned the  money…

ML: No, Netajee. We are not in the business of giving back! (Outburst of laughter.) We can’t get into that now and start returning the Sun Trust, the money for MedPoint, the Rs45 m we got after suing the government when my father was prime minister and I was minister of finance. There would be no end to it.

IL: OK! Didn’t Rawat have any assets?

ML: Erm… Yes. A few. We sold most to our friends – I mean to those who were willing to buy them. We kept the others.

IL: Sounds like a rogue state but never mind. What’s the problem now?

ML: The policyholders are on hunger strike. They need to eat.

IL: I have millions of people here who also need to eat but have nothing to eat. However, Aap ko pata hai⁶, India will never do anything to harm Mauritius. So what do you need?

ML: Money so that they get off my back.

IL: Money? Your GDP per capita is $20,500; ours is $6,700. Your salary is nearly Rs300,000; mine is Rs86,000. How much money do you need?

ML: Rs10 billion.

IL: Ahem… Thero⁷…ahem, ahem…Thero, thero…

ML: I beg of you. You are my only hope.

IL: As I have always said, India will never do anything to harm Mauritius. Your people need to believe that. They made so much noise about the end of the DTAA but now all is well. Our business is coming back to the country, our people are being employed and taxes are going into our coffers. Your offshore sector is kissing goodbye to the good old days and your youth to jobs. A win-win situation!

ML: Yes, that’s what I have been telling them. They make noise for no reason. My father was right to call them ungrateful. He is right too to p…s on all of them. Absolutely thankless!

IL: We will help you, beta. Why worry when big brother is here? I must tell you though that my powers are limited. How is the Metro Express progressing?

ML: Netajee, haven’t I just told you how ungrateful the people in my country are? They are stupid too. As soon as they see progress coming, they run the other way. They say they want to know everything about the project beforehand. If they do, I am sc..wed!

IL: Now, now! How are our friends from Agalega? When are we going to be better acquainted with them?

ML: They are being brainwashed by the Mauritians. The other day, I sent two kings – I mean ministers – there and they behaved like the colonisers that they are and the whole nation jumped down their throats! But don’t you worry about anything Netajee. I need the money.

IL: And the refinery in Albion?

ML: Another bunch of noisy people there too but we will forge ahead. Don’t you worry.

IL: Beta, do you have the support of your ministers and MPs?

ML: Oh, Netajee, I couldn’t have hoped for better. I am their role model. I set the example and I let them get on with it. They travel extensively, draw huge per diem, sign scrumptious contracts, hire friends and relatives and pay them exorbitant salaries and even dig into the fund meant for the poor to provide treatment overseas to their wives! So they are very happy.

IL: Barhia⁸! We might be able to give you a loan with veeeeeeeeeeery favourable terms. But you also need to think of the interests of India. We are not an ATM, you know! (Embarrassed laughter).

ML: Oh, thank you, thank you, Netajee! I’ll do anything. Yes, we will talk about the Metro Express, Agalega, the Albion refinery. Anything. As long as my people stop giving me a hard time for making them pay for our mistakes.

IL: But they still have to pay, in the end. There is no such thing as a free lunch! (Aside) A real cretin!

ML: Yes, I know. But they don’t have to know.

IL: (Aside) A devious one at that!

ML: Sorry?

IL: I was saying, regards to your father, aunt, cousins and every other member of your family – I mean of the national assembly.

 (1. honoured leader; 2. ok; 3. very good, 4. son/dear; 5. speak, 6. you know; 7. wait; 8. great)

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