Dear Prime Minister,

I thought I’d write to you to let you and the whole world know how touched the female species is with your sudden interest in us and in protecting us – the poor helpless vulnerable gender – from other males who are not like you.

We greatly admired your tact and finesse when, during your May Day rally, you announced that if we or our daughters were locked up in a room alone with you, we would feel safe! What a noble idea and how respectful of the women of this country! That is the greatest characteristic that we look for in a prime minister. After all, who cares about the rampant, unprecedented nepotism and the terrible injustice associated with it? Who cares about our soaring debt or the state of the economy? Who cares about the repressive methods used against a hapless pilot who dared criticise you?  Or against the members of ReA who had the guts to protest against the monarchical way in which power was passed down to you? The greatest quality of a prime minister has nothing to do with the above. Before qualifying for primeministership, every candidate should only pass the bedroom test by being entrusted with guarding the harem!

I also meant to ask you if you could perhaps give us an indication of whom you were targeting when you were fantasizing about women and girls alone with you in a room. Surely you were not referring to the one who, after a mistress became too cumbersome, had her shipped off to occupy a very high position far from our indiscreet eyes? I thought not as you had condoned that and used our taxpayers’ money to pay salary and expenses. I don’t suppose you were targeting the one who appointed a ‘very close’ female friend to a position where her salary took regular steep hikes at will either, were you? Nor, perish the thought, did you have at the back of your mind the one who was caught enticing women with promises of jobs to get them to watch and react to obscene photos taken in a place referred to as the August Assembly? Of course not. These people are still sitting there next to you with the hope of getting another mandate to do more of the same. Oh, and do you remember the Dufry-Frydu episode, when you and two of your ministers allegedly hijacked and interrogated two expats? Who was it who offered the two gentlemen ‘young girls’ to spend ‘a nice time with’ in exchange for information that could be used against the former prime minister? I am sure the girls being offered would have benefited from the safety you are professing to give today.

“To reciprocate your kindness towards us, the female species, I must confess that – since it takes two to tango – you are equally safe with us. Entirely, I can assure you.”

But do not worry about these insignificant things, Prime Minister. The females of this country must feel very safe thanks to the condescending, paternalistic assurances you have just given us. To reciprocate your kindness towards us, the female species, I must confess that – since it takes two to tango – you are equally safe with us. Entirely, I can assure you. I see absolutely no threat to you from the female species. If, for any reason, you don’t feel safe, I would recommend you just open your mouth and the delicately chosen words that come out of it will make any remote danger of seduction fade away.

And now that we have established that the female species is safe in a room with you, who cares how safe the country feels in your hands?

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