And so the debate on the government programme has come to an end. And so the last representatives who took the floor had the House all to themselves, the opposition having decided to protest against the speaker’s disgraceful behaviour and the treatment meted out to the leader of the opposition, Arvin Boolell, and other opposition MPs. And so we are all that much smarter as we now know what our government MPs think about the measures announced and how they will help us pull through this coming crisis.

Remember that the world has acknowledged the extent of the crisis we are going through and is steeling itself against what may turn out to be the worst economic disaster since 2008, through various proactive measures. Markets are falling as the coronavirus is spreading. The BBC announced last week that “US markets have suffered their worst week since the global financial crisis of 2008, as fears over the impact of the coronavirus continued to grip investors”. The Federal Reserve has already loosened interest rates by 0.5% while Italy has signalled its intention of introducing a “shock therapy” of fiscal measures.

“Our ministers and MPs made the oral presentations of their homework following the same pattern in more or less the same sequence: First, singing the praises of their leader and his father to the high heavens. In this chapter, the competition was fierce and there were no clear winners…

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But thank God we are in Mauritius where our MPs are totally oblivious to all this. The coronavirus will have no impact on our economy and if ever it does, we have magic solutions that we have copyrighted. So our ministers and MPs – thinking they were in a classroom – made the oral presentations of their homework following the same pattern in more or less the same sequence: First, singing the praises of their leader and his father to the high heavens. In this chapter, the competition was fierce and there were no clear winners. There was also little competition for the second and third chapters – demonising the opposition and waxing lyrical about how they won the election. There was no modesty in their bragging, no sign that the coronavirus may be worth a mention or two and absolutely no knowledge of what is going on in the rest of the world. Ignorance is really bliss!

And there is little chance of anyone able or willing to shake them out of their ignorant arrogance. When the minister of finance, Renganaden Padayachy, finally came out of his funk hole, it was to lull us all into this same peaceful slumber-world. Knowledge is very dangerous. So the less of it the better: There is no crisis, he said. A mere piddling 0.1% to 0.3% reduction from a middling but quite honourable growth forecast of 3.6%, he added. Seriously? He must be the only one who has this magic recipe because even his own prime minister, in his press conference on Wednesday, was far less optimistic.

But worry not! Our MPs have every reason to spend their time in the National Assembly glorifying themselves and deifying their unique leader, totally out of sync even with him!

As for any possibility of interrupting their slumber in la-la land, no need to worry either. The government has found another magic wand to keep all the unpleasant questions at bay. You open parliament when you want to and close it when you so decide, you don’t allow any parliamentary questions and you make sure the speaker does not allow the leader of the opposition to ask any Private Notice Question. We stick to what we do best: sycophancy and bootlicking.

That is the best way to steer this country to safety in hard times. If other countries are jealous of us, they might perhaps want to know that we don’t have a prime minister but a prophet “placed on earth by God to give Mauritians whatever they ask for” – according to our speaker*. So rejoice and carry on sleeping! Waking up could be dangerous!

*Apparently heard during the electoral campaign. 

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