An unessential service called parliament is resuming next week. Being an unessential service, it has been closed since the beginning of the lockdown. As it happens, it was considered unessential even before the lockdown as it opened only when the prime minister was on the island, at his whim and fancy.

Around 137,000 work permits were issued for essential services – a debate for another day. Parliament was not one of them. Now it is. So, we should expect great things to happen.

The first great thing is one parliamentarian – representing so many others – heading for her TD 18 to go and wrap up a magnificent speech she started a lifetime ago. So, we should soon be able to know more about the speaker’s personal life and her journey since she was nine years old. I don’t remember at what age we stopped when she last spoke but the rest of the journey should be equally exciting. And of course, we look forward to more hyperbolic praises of her leader and a few more references to inspiring world-renowned authors and philosophers like Rihanna. Naturally, this time, someone will have gone over the document before it is read in parliament and the primary-school grammatical mistakes will have been sifted through. Once bitten, twice shy.

TD 18 will before that have had a look at her payslip. Like so many of her colleagues, she is even better off: Her employer had no hesitation in crediting her account with Rs140,000, minus a 10% voluntary contribution to the Covid Solidarity Fund – a little joke between close friends. She also received a petrol allowance of Rs28,700, not a cent of which was used because she was locked down like the rest of us, and a driver’s allowance of Rs8,820. In addition, she received a clerk allowance of Rs 21,210, and a facilities allowance of 34,800, presumably to facilitate explaining to the public why she and her colleagues deserve such allowances. Then she received an entertainment allowance of Rs17,000! Who exactly she entertained with that is none of our business. And of course, she also received a duty allowance of Rs13,860. That basically means that you are paid a salary to do your duty and then you get paid a duty allowance to make sure you do your duty! That is a handsome sum of nearly Rs265,000!

So, TD 18 is determined to justify her salary and allowances by reading a speech in parliament once every other year. When her eyes are not glued to the paper she is reading from, she will exchange complicit looks with IR 13, a tooth puller who had already justified the same salary and allowances by giving a memorable speech that revealed his level of intellect and his sense of humour, particularly through the jokes he cracked about the coronavirus. Yes, catching the virus is very funny. TJ 5, RP 14, VA 308, DC 472, R 2154, R 2113… will look on and say nothing. And that nothing will be all they will contribute to the debate for the next five years while drawing the same salary package as TD 18.

TJ 5, RP 14 VA 308, DC 472, R 2154, R 2113… will look on and say nothing. And that nothing will be all they will contribute to the debate for the next five years while drawing the same salary package as TD 18.

JB 38, an exceptionally competent minister, will be listening with a serene smile on his face as he rewinds the tape about “But, Mr Speaker, Sir, there is not a single case of coronavirus in Mauritius. We can’t scare airport workers by asking them to wear protective gear!” The nation is still paying for that foresight but no matter. The last time he checked his payslip, it displayed a handsome package of more than Rs330,000.

RP 13, a man endowed with a rare exceptionalism, will be staring at his tablet but will applaud with the rest of his colleagues whenever the name of the Leader Maximo is mentioned. His announcements are legendary. I mean which genius would have had the idea and empathy of alleviating the suffering of Covid-19 patients by inviting them to come to Mauritius and drown their pain in augmented duty-free booze? The least he can do is applaud his leader, who is sacrificing himself even more for the country – Rs553,000.

Once the emotions are over, TD 18 will head back home and watch on social media the human tragedies unfolding every day. Her colleagues will do the same thing and, with the same degree of empathy, get to know about people who can’t put food on the table. Employees taking huge salary cuts. Others dreading that phone call informing them that their services are not needed. Small entrepreneurs who spent years building their companies with blood, sweat and tears watching the fruit of their labour go belly-up. Whole families having to make do with an Rs2,250 charity cheque. Lives and livelihoods being shattered… 

But TD 18 and her colleagues have never heard of market forces. When other people are digging into the last cent saved, parliamentarians are accumulating more wealth. Let the mere mortals worry about where their next meal is coming from!