175,000 signatures and counting, thousands of people up in arms, hundreds on  the streets, a headmistress who is either gullible or cynical, two MPs who might benefit by looking up Mauritius on the world map, wannabe-celebrities who have found a great opportunity to achieve their dream and a government which fought hard to resist pressure, the Yashika Bageerathi polemic is a phenomenon which the human mind cannot explain.

Here’s the story which hundreds of thousands of people bought into. The girl ran away from Rapeland and sought protection from the UK authorities as she had been threatened with rape and the rapists-cum-drug addicts were waiting for her at the airport to rape her as soon as she got back. This science fiction scenario takes place – believe it or not – in Mauritius and this is the story which has been unblinkingly strewn all over the place, including the broadsheets. 

Worried about the image this cock-and-bull story gave of Mauritius? Relax! It is not that bad, actually, thank you Yashika. We have been portrayed as an island where our rapists are not the beasts they tend to be in other countries. Over there, they pounce on innocent, unsuspecting people, drag them somewhere by force and commit their hideous crime. Here, our rapists are choosy and civilised. They first spotted little Yashika but let her off with a threat of rape. Then they gave her a chance to go and sort out a visa and book a plane ticket to the UK. This kind-hearted gesture must have been highly appreciated by the girl as she reciprocated by giving them a chance too: not a single entry at the police station and not a word to her relatives. I mean one has to have a sense of fair play in all circumstances, you know? Once the girl got away, the rapists started camping at the airport, observing an act of abstinence rapists in other countries could learn from. Their only hope was that the cruel British one day abandon the girl to her fate. 

It is perhaps worth mentioning that, because these rapists set up camp at the airport, the government has secretly built another airport. So, while the bad guys are waiting for their prey at the old terminal, women of all ages, shapes and sizes have been safely landing in this country and taking off. So, when Yashika landed back in Rapeland this morning, the dangerous outlaws did not even see her as they were wasting their time at the wrong airport. 

175,000  signatures?! I honestly suggest a little course in geopolitics so that the energy of the signatories is diverted towards the thousands of genuine asylum seekers from Sri Lanka, the Congo, the Central African Republic, Syria etc. who would never be able to secure the kind of publicity Yashika is getting because their stories lack the Hollywood ingredients that she offered, sprinkled with a large dose of strong spices: a rather average pupil here, according to those of her teachers who remember her, she was depicted as an exceptionally bright ‘straight As’ pupil who has had a clutch of offers from top universities! 

Well, damn it Mauritius, look at the positive side: we now have a brand new airport and our average students are beating the best pupils in the UK to top universities! 

In the meantime, please join me in welcoming Yashika back to Rapeland and Shhhh!  Don’t let the rapists in on this. Let them continue waiting at the old terminal. Everybody is safe that way.